I feel there needs to be a trigger warning right here. This blog post will talk about Infertility and all the feelings that go with it, in my own personal experience. This is a long one, but I truly hope you hang with me until the end.
This is a hard one, a VERY VERY hard thing to open up and talk about. At the age of 12 years old I was told I would not have children. Then it never bothered me, I didn’t want kids at that point in my life anyways so who cares, right? I didn’t until the last few years.
In the last two years my own infertility has taken a toll on me, everyone around me started having babies. Being 22 years old, this is the time of life where most of the people my age have been having babies for a few years now. I want to break it down on exactly how it makes me feel.
It starts with jealousy and self pity.
Why me? Why won’t I be able to give my husband a name sake. Then it transitioned to the self loathing and anger. Why am I not good enough to be a mother? Why can someone who neglects their children reproduce. However, someone who would be such a good mom not even have the opportunity. My husband and I are not trying to conceive currently, but we are not preventing.
In this chapter of life it feels like we’re going to back to back baby showers or gender reveal parties. Where everyone always says “you’re next.” or “when are y’all having one.” Honestly, those words hurt, they cut so deep and people don’t realize it. For a while I hid behind a smile and just laughed it off and blamed it on school because I didn’t want to open up.
Something in me changed this year though. I am done hiding behind excuses. I didn’t want to go to family functions and holidays because I dreaded being asked those questions. Each and every time it makes me feel like I’m disappointing my husband or letting my family down. It makes me feel like I am not enough.
To my family:
I know you never meant to hurt me by asking. I ask that you stop asking women these questions, even light heartedly, they do hurt some more than others. Please don’t give suggestions on how we can adopt or do IVF, or tell us that it’s just God’s plan. We know, trust me. We pray we will be blessed when we start trying. Just give us that extra hug when we’re at the next gender reveal/baby shower if you know, or say an extra prayer for us every now and then.
Having PCOS, my cycles are usually irregular or nonexistent. Every month I don’t start at the same time. Meaning almost every month I go to the store and take a pregnancy test. My heart gets broken and I get reminded my Ovaries don’t work the way the should. I have been off of birth control since January of 2019, which has been over a year. I have experienced two friends conceive within a month of trying, and multiple family members having babies.
To my friends and family with little ones:
Please know I am so happy for you and that I love your babies more than you know. You personally have never made me feel that way, I promise. Please don’t take this as I don’t want to support you, if anything I want to be more involved than you know. I may be a tiny bit jealous but I want to support you and love your baby with every ounce of my soul, ask my best-friend, Karlie. Your little one will always have an Aunt Tay who loves and supports them 100%.
My husband and I are not trying to conceive, and I just want to say that. We know there are options for when we are ready for that step, and we will cross those boundaries when we get there. That doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt and it doesn’t mean I don’t get my heart broken every single test I take.
To my husband
I’m sorry for so many things that you have to face with me and that I may not be able to help you carry on your last name, and I’m sorry about all the tears every month. I apologize that every month you have to see me get my heart broken over and over and over again.
Thank you though. Seriously. Thank YOU for being the person who picks me up off the bathroom floor and tells me it’s okay. Thank you for being my biggest supporter, and never leaving my side at family functions in case I need that extra hug or pat on the back because of the heartbreak someone may have unknowingly brought upon me and always reminding me that I am enough for you. I love you.
To those who have actually stuck by and read this entire thing, thank you.
xoxo, your favorite CYSTER.